Can't Sleep

I don't know why but I just can't sleep tonight. Maybe it's because of daylight savings...I don't know. I took a shower to help me settle down. I smell better but still not ready to sleep. I've tried to shut my mind off but I just can't...I thought maybe writing a bit would help ease my alertness.

Today was such a good day. I took Kenny to the doctor today to make sure he was okay. Yesterday he was still very croupy sounding and so today I took him in. I called several people yesterday night to ask them to specifically pray for Kenny (even though we put him on the prayer list Sunday and people were praying for him) because I was really worried. Prayers were answered with a yes for Kenny to improve because today has been significantly better. He was so good at the doctor's office. We came home and I strapped on my Snugli and we cleaned the house (vacuuming and everything!) and then he sat in his bouncy chair in the kitchen with me as I made dinner and we sang songs and he was just so content. We are trying to transition him into going to his bedroom and then going to sleep instead of being asleep beforehand and tonight was a step in the right direction. I took him to his room when he showed signs of being sleepy and laid him down with his awesome mobile going--he fussed a bit when I left so I came back, held him a bit then left again. He fussed a little more this time, I held him again, he fell asleep and that was it. I think he and I have a good relationship.

I was thinking in the shower (such a good place to think!) about if someone asked me why I married Brandon what I would say was that one thing that set him apart from everyone else. Why was I thinking that? I don't know...I guess because he fixed our garbage disposal tonight and it made me think about all the things he does for us (me, Kenny, our household) that I just don't have to worry about...but him fixing things isn't what I would say is why I married him! I think it would have to be that he is the most trustworthy man I have ever met--he's trustworthy with me, my life, my son...I NEVER worry about him when we're apart from each other (like that he's checking out other girls or whatever). I had trusted so many guys in my past that didn't deserve trust at all--of course I also didn't know how to keep and hold myself and my emotions back either until I was like, 30! so part or all of the blame lies at my doorstep. I watched a Dr. Phil show today where the guy was saying that all men cheat or something along those lines, married or not. Dr. Phil totally called this guy out though and was like, uh, no, that's not the way it is when you're married. But before Brandon I might have believed something like that to be true because of the bad choices I made with my own emotions--like getting involved way too quickly emotionally with someone before there was a commitment made and then FEELING as if they were cheating on me (when in reality we weren't together so they could do what they wanted and so could've I had I understood that concept). And of course there were the flat out liars I dated who could look me straight in the face and lie to me--and I would believe them! That was my own stupidity right there. That Dr. Phil guy was just still a player that didn't need to be married and thought he was pretty hot stuff.

Oh when I look back on some of the stupid ways I acted and so much wasted emotion and so much drama I created because I was emotionally attached way too soon. If I have a daughter I hope I can teach her not to do that. I'm sure my mom tried to teach me but I didn't listen. I had always wanted to have that storybook whirlwind romance where you meet and fall in love right away and that's it but even in that situation you have to hold back some! I was so that girl in How to Lose a Guy in Ten Days for sooo long. I just want to gag when I think of some of the ways I acted! Who was that psycho?

I think I feel better now. Maybe I can sleep now.